Why We Place Our Children for Adoption

Is it an Admission?

Or is it a realization by expectant parents that they aren’t at the best place in their lives to be parents?

There is a multitude of reasons for which expectant parents make an adoption plan for their baby. A bad relationship, finances, and poor timing are just three examples. Can most of us ever really understand why first parents make that choice? No, many of us cannot. We can try to empathize, understand the situation, and provide support when needed, but understanding in a complete, deep way is out of most people’s grasp, unless they have been there.

When we made the decision to place we had to look deep inside ourselves and say “Are we really ready for this? Are we ready to devote our lives to bringing up our child in the most healthy environment possible?” After much soul searching my partner and I had to admit that we just weren’t ready. A lot of our acquaintances were shocked by our decision, they think we would make great parents, honestly so do I. But the deeper question is; would we make great parents right now? We would make adequate parents. We could provide financially for our baby, we wouldn’t abuse or neglect him, he would get a good education, and lots of love, those are the most important things a baby needs, but we just weren’t ready to sink every moment of our lives into bringing him up. We don’t know that we will ever be ready for that kind of commitment, parenting was the furthest thing from our mind when we got pregnant, and honestly, any parenting other than the first parenting that we do now, is on the back burner again.

There are also couples who already have children they are parenting who choose to place a second or third child, or in the case of my first mother, a sixth child. Their reasons vary as well. Maybe they are great parents to the child/ren they already have but know that another one would make them just adequate parents and they want to be great parents to all of their kids. Maybe financial constraints limit them. Perhaps, as in the case of my first mother, a woman finds herself suddenly single through the death of a partner or spouse, or at the end of a relationship, and they don’t feel they can cope with another child or any child for that matter.

Sadly enough, it seems as though there are some people in the world who feel that when a couple chooses to place their baby for adoption, they are admitting that they would be bad parents, abusive even. I hear and read the comment over and over “Wow, what a sacrifice to admit they would have made bad parents.” I have never said that I felt either of us would be bad parents, and really I don’t think we would have been, as a couple. For either of us to be a single parent, I know we would have both struggled with that a lot. Parenting is overwhelming and first parents really search their souls to know what their limits are, and we knew ours and being a single parent was one of them. In fact, in our court documents I state that I know we would have made great parents, but that my partner wasn’t ready and I didn’t feel I could be a single parent. Never once have I thought about abusing a child either verbally or physically. I like kids in fact, but liking kids doesn’t make one ready to give up what they feel their life is take care of one.

There are also many times when a parent, usually a father, puts his foot down and says, “No, I am not relinquishing my rights to my baby, I want to be his father.” Of course sometimes a mother says this as well. When this happens, especially if potential adoptive parents have been chosen, there are sometimes outcries of, “But these people would be unfit, after all they made mistakes A, B, and C in their lives and they were considering an adoption plan; what makes them think all of a sudden they would make good parents?” If we all look deep inside ourselves and into our backgrounds most of us have made mistakes and done things we aren’t proud of, even adoptive parents, but that doesn’t make us unfit, neither does making an adoption plan and then changing our minds. Maligning people that are mired in the quagmire of emotions that come along with an unplanned pregnancy does no good for anyone, in fact it usually just causes hurt and damage to everyone in the situation. Most parents that change their mind about an adoption plan do so because once their baby is born they realize that all of those problems that seemed so huge before that are now just little bumps. They realize it will not be easy but that things like store brand food, hand me downs clothes and toys, and public school aren’t the worst things that can happen to a baby. It also becomes crystal clear that a lot of problems that seem permanent right now really aren’t and that lives can change drastically for the better.

Are there parents who make adoption plans who would be miserable parents? Of course, but there are also people who adopt who turn out to be miserable parents. Are there people who place who would have been abusive to their children? Of course, but there are also people who adopt who abuse their children. There are also people who place that go on to have other children and make great parents because their next child came at a better time. There are also people, like myself and my partner; who make great first parents and while it isn’t our dream role, we are content with that role.

Next time you meet someone who says, “Yes, I have a child that I placed for adoption,” don’t automatically assume the worst about him or her. They could very well be intelligent, well-adjusted, happy people who made a heart wrenching choice to do what they had to for their child. Just because they chose to place doesn’t mean they admitted that they would be bad parents or abusers; it just means that they weren’t at the best place in their lives to be the great parents that they wanted to be for their child.