Who Loves More?
As I was watching my son this weekend when we were visiting him, I realized that I don’t think it is humanly possible to love anyone more than I love him. Then I watched his mom and dad looking at him with this glow in their eyes, I knew they love him as much as I do. The four of us are his parents, first and adoptive, our son, collectively, will never be love starved, as it should be.
Myths About First Parents
Some people believe that first moms and dads don’t love their children as much as their adoptive parents. We gave them up after all, right? We couldn’t possibly love them, any mother that loves their child wants to raise them. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We love our kids just the same, with some exceptions. Most of us would have preferred to have been in a position to parent. Just because we aren’t in a position to care for our children because of circumstance doesn’t make us any less loving.
As first parents we sacrifice the right to call our children ours exclusively so that they can have a life that we can’t give them. We sacrifice getting to be mommy and daddy, seeing their first steps, first ball game, first school concert. Most of us would give our lives to be the ones getting up for that 2 AM feeding. We know what we are missing out on, and it is agonizing, because we love our kids so much, we want to be the ones there doing what their adoptive parents are doing.
Showing Love Appropriately
As first parents the key is to find ways to show our love appropriately. Our love is equal to, not more than, our children’s adoptive parent’s love. First moms don’t need to make a point that we love our children; it is implicit in our motherhood. Doing things like getting original birth certificates, giving photos of our family, keeping a journal to share, scrap booking, and keeping the lines of communication open for our children show our love. Something I have done is record myself reading children’s books for my son so he can listen to my voice when he wants. Planning an annual outing with just your child, if that is agreeable to everyone, is another possibility. Going to their school activities, sporting events, concerts, are all activities that show love as well. Of course these things are only advisable as long as the adoptive family is comfortable with our presence. In a perfect world that wouldn’t be a problem, but unfortunately our world isn’t perfect. Make sure you clear attendance at activities with adoptive parents first, please don’t jeopardize your chances to see your child in the future.
Where Do Adoptive Parents Fit in?
At least in my mind, adoptive parents role in all of this is to remember that their love is neither less than nor superior to our love no matter what the public may think. Adoptive parents need to let first moms and dads appropriately show their love to our kids. It may take time to find a comfort zone with that. Remember that first parents are just as new to this relationship as adoptive parents. We are trying our hardest to put on a happy face and act ok while our insides might be crumbling. In the early days it is hard to know what to do because we have our very deep seated fears for our kids. If you, as adoptive parents are uncomfortable with something we do, please say so in a polite, caring way. We make blunders just like anyone else. Give second and third chances, you’ll be glad you did.
Loving our kids collectively is the most beautiful thing about open adoption. Our children know that all four of their parents love them their whole lives. First parents need to remember that our love isn’t more or less, it is equal to adoptive parents’ love. We need to remember to be appropriate in how we show our love for our kids. Adoptive parents, please be gentle if you are uncomfortable with something we do, we don’t mean to make mistakes but we still do sometimes.
© 2005, Maja Hedman
