Birthmothers Out There, Be Careful

My 15-year-old daughter placed her baby for adoption through CHS of Minnesota. At first everything went smoothly and we thought, albeit naively, the agency was really looking out for her needs. It turned out they usurped all her power in negotiating the agreement contract by giving all the decision-making power to the adoptive parents. We are devastated!

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We had a meeting with the adoptive parents and drafted an agreement (in May). After the birth of the baby (in June), my daughter, based on advice from her CHS counselor, requested that the agreement be made legally binding and that the visit schedule be more specific, i.e., she asked for twice a year visits for 18 years. The weeks went by and my daughter was scared and started to waiver in her decision. I pushed her to go forward assuring her that she'd get to see the baby through the contract.

So believing we had the contract, we signed the papers. It turns out CHS did not even show the adoptive parents the requested change. In October, the adoptive parents are wondering what's holding up finalization proceedings. It's only THEN that the counselor explains that the birthmother would like changes to the agreement. The adoptive parents are shocked, to say the least, and they objected to the changes. And now, because we signed the papers, there's nothing we can do about it.

Had the counselor done her job and showed the adoptive parents the requested changes prior to the birthmother signing the papers, the birthmother could have said no to signing, or at least been able to compromise or negotiate a new contract closer to her wants/needs. Instead, we are at the mercy of the adoptive parents as to whether we get to see the child or not.

Luckily for us, we were able to meet with the adoptive parents, and they were kind enough to grant us once a year visits for ten years. Not exactly the 36 afternoons we asked for, but they told us that they'd like to see how things go and then they'd possibly be open to increasing the number, so we're grateful for that.

Agencies shouldn't be allowed to operate this way, taking advantage of people's ignorance of proceedings, leading you to believe they're looking out for you, and taking advantage of people in a highly emotional and vulnerable state. I am so disappointed in the CHS. I just want other birthmothers out there to be careful and remember: no matter what the agency tells you or convinces you of, think for yourself and absolutely don't sign anything until you have the facts in writing in front of you.

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