A Birth Mother's Advice on Choosing Adoptive Parents

This series of questions and explanations is meant to be a general guide for expectant parents considering placement. It is, by no means, all inclusive and is not meant to take the place of counseling on the topics of unplanned pregnancy, parenting and adoption. Any legal advice is for informational purposes only; please seek out an attorney for further information pertinent to your case and your state.

1. Why am I considering placement for my child?

Realize, no matter the type of adoption chosen, you will most likely have to explain your reasons for placement to your child at some point in time. Is your reason something that you feel would be adequate enough to explain to your child? More over, are your reasons based on something that is temporary, can be changed or can improve with time or sufficient help and support? Are your reasons solely your own and not based on what family members, friend or society thinks or wants you to do? Are you aware of options available to you if you should decide to parent, such as state funded assistance and other programs? If you answer no to that one, you are not making a fully informed choice and need to continue your research. If you are questioning your own reasons, take time to sort through your emotions and compare it to your situation. If you are in doubt, seek out counseling; an impartial third party can help you see things in a different light.

2. What kind of adoption would best suit your needs and the needs of your child?

There are, generally, three kinds of adoption: closed, semi-open and fully open adoption. In a closed adoption, nothing is known about the family adopting the child and there is no way to initiate contact until the child is of an adult age (varies from state to state) if he/she decides to initiate a search. Even with a closed adoption there are no guarantees that an adult adoptee cannot locate a birth parent. In a semi-open adoption, the expectant parents can choose the parents that will adopt the child. Non-identifying information is exchanged. Pictures and letters are usually sent through an intermediary, such as the agency or attorney, for a set number of years (sometimes one, sometimes eighteen). In a fully open adoption, identifying information is exchanged and the parties are responsible for communicating on their own. Visits and consistent contact of some sort (phone, e-mail, letters) are usually considered part of a fully open adoption. It should be of note that open adoptions are not legally enforceable in all states, meaning that the adoptive family can close an adoption without reason or warning, leaving the birth family with no recourse.

It is important to ask yourself many questions when considering what type of adoption would best suit your situation. It is also important to understand that your opinions on how open or closed you want the adoption to be may change with time. Many birth parents have started out thinking that they only want pictures and letters and realize as time passes that they would be willing to have more contact. It is important to discuss things like this with any potential family you are considering for your child. While you may not know the answers as to how open you want the relationship to be, you should at least have the same ideas and long-term goals. If they are not open to ever fully opening the adoption to visits and you can't decide, right now, whether or not it is something you want but you're learning towards "maybe yes," consider another family.

3. What kind of family do you want for your child?

If you are picking the family who will parent your child, you should have a list of ideals in mind that you wish that family to possess. Every expectant parent making an adoption plan has a different set of criteria they use to pick and choose. What is a deal breaker for one set of expectant parents may not even be on the list for another! Think about what you want for your child both immediately and in the long run. What would you be offering your child, tradition or personality wise, that you still want for your child even though you may not be the everyday parent.

Here are some things to consider:
Do you want your family to be religious? Do they need to be the same religion as you or will any suffice? Would you prefer that the family have been married for a long time or will any length of time be sufficient? Would it bother you if one or both parents had previously been married or divorced? Do their ages matter? Would you rather your child have younger or older parents? Are their personalities ones that you think would benefit your child? Do they have any similar interests so that things might be passed on to your child? Are they near other family members, such as their own parents who could be doting grandparents? Do they have other children to be siblings to your child? Are they biological or adopted? Are they planning on having more children, either by genetics or adoption? Are they financially stable? Do they live in a good area? If you are planning on a fully open adoption, do they live within traveling distance? Or do they live too close for comfort? Will they let you pick the name or is the name they've chosen set in stone? Are their ideas about adoption (open or closed) meshing with your own?

As you can tell, the list of questions can be endless. It is important that you sit down and think about what matters most to you. Some things will be deal breakers, some will not matter. Realize that you have the right to choose any set of parents for your child based on any set of criteria. This is your choice. Do not let anyone force you to pick someone because they think that they are appropriate. Do not settle. You can find a great family for your child, one that matches both your ideals in parenting and your ideas as to how an adoption should be handled (meaning, open or closed).

Beyond the characteristics you want for a parent in your child, be sure you get to know a potential family for your child as a set of human beings as well. Ask them about their lives, their likes and dislikes. Especially if you are planning on an open adoption, getting to know the family as any other set of friends will only benefit the lot of you in the end.

4. Where is the child's biological father and is he involved?

Short answer: he should be involved. Whether you are getting along with him at the current moment, the child possesses 50% of his genetic material and he thus has a right to an opinion regarding the adoption and parenting plans of the child. If he shows a complete disinterest in the process, encourage him to also seek out counseling to help him understand why his involvement is so important. Furthermore, do not fall into the trap of belief that not naming the biological father will remove any problems. His rights must be respected in the adoption process. If he finds out about the adoption afterwards and can prove that he was lied to or defrauded, he can overturn the adoption. Do the right thing, legally and ethically, and involve him to the best of your ability.

5. Before you make the final decision, seek out other birth parents.

Your agency or attorney may put you in contact with other birth parents. Talk with them and then continue to look for other opinions. Realize that your agency or attorney would not have put you in contact with someone who was dissatisfied with their adoption or the system in general. Look online for blogs of parents who have both good and bad things to say about their own personal experiences and the way today's system of adoption exists. You can learn a lot from other's mistakes. You can also learn a lot from other's accomplishments. Reach out to those who have walked this path before you, ask them questions and, most importantly, listen to what they have to say. Some of it may contradict the information that your agency or attorney has given you. Realize that these birth parents have walked the walk, not just talked the talk. While you should be making the decision that is best for you, these parents may have stories about grief and loss that you have not yet heard. Do your research on the topics of grief and loss.

6. Learn about adoptees.

Read any and all information you can on how adoptees handle their adoptions. There are plenty of books written on the subject, most of which deal with how the closed adoption system affected adoptees. While some changes have been made because of the open adoption system, realize that some of the information does apply across the board. Similar to seeking out other birth parents, look online for the blogs and forums where adoptees are speaking out about issues surrounding their loss and other personal experiences. Learning from adoptees is an important and vital part of the adoption process, both pre-placement and for the many years post-placement.

7. Know your rights.

Keep in mind that your decisions to explore an adoption plan are not final until your signature is on the Termination of Parental Rights. Therefore, even in a pre-birth match, you are not obligated to place a child with any set of adoptive parents. If you decide, at any time (even after birth) that you want to parent, that is your right. If you decide, at any time, you want to choose another family, that is your right. Do not let anyone tell you different. It is important to know all of the laws in your state. Some states allow for adoptive families to pay for living expenses while others state that only medical bills can be paid. Furthermore, you do have the right to your own legal representation and you should take advantage of this right. Having someone to look out for your own legal best interest during this time can be a great benefit and a weight lifted off of your own shoulders. An agency that tells you that you don't need an attorney because the adoptive family has one or that you aren't allowed to have one is being dishonest and you should cease all contact with that agency. You can learn more about your rights by searching the state statutes at childwelfare.gov.

Note: The author is not a professional adoption counselor; this is just her advice and points of view written from one mother to another.